Archive for October 20th, 2010

A Fonetic Spell

October 20, 2010




A Fonetic Spell.

If awl the wurds we hav tu uze wer speld the proper wa
Just haf the time we spend in wurk might be enjoid in pla,
for wot we’d save in riting and in lurning how to spel
Wood be enuf tu giv us welth and hours uv eze as wel.

We awl wood no how tu pronounce a wurd at wunc on site
And never hav tu think for fere we wood not sa it rite;
and az for dikshunareze, wi, tha’d be no uce at awl
Except tu tel the menings uz the wurds that now appawl.

We never wood be laft at for pronunsheashunz rwong
Nor errors in our speling wich sumtimes are very strawng,
And reeding wood be ezee so that books uv sienc hi
Cood kwikly be dijested like a pece uv mother’s pi.

Altho this proper spelling ma seem funne, we wil sa
It’s not wun haf az funne az the stile in uce to-day;
Just notis wot is printed and I ges u wil agre
That thare iz nuthing kwerer for a kritik’s I tu se.

It iz a fakt undowted that our Inglish langwage brakes
Mor forrin tungs than awl the rest and that it awlso takes
Big hedz tu comprehend it. That’s the rezon wi so fu
Frum other kuntreze tawk it in a plezing wa tu u.

Thare izn’t enne kwestshun that the hole wurld sune wood c
Itz overwhelming benefitz and happalee agre
Tu make it universal, wich wood end the worz we hate,
And bring on the milleneum for wich good pepel wate.

The wurds that end “o-u-g-h” no more wood puzzel fokes;
Tipe-setting wood be plezenter than kraking funne jokes;
And awl the girl tipe-riters cood assist thare ma’s at home
For men cood rite the letters — kwite az ezee az this pome.

— Drover’s Journal.

Carroll Sentinel (Carroll, Iowa) Jun 1, 1899

Men, Be Manly – Restore Your Vigor

October 20, 2010

The “Restore Vigor” type  products seem to have been rather popular in the 1890s. The image above of the shirtless boxer is not related to the advertising below. As far as I know, he never used any of these products; I just wanted a picture of a “manly man” for the post.

Millionaires gain fame by great gifts, but their happiness cannot equal that of a citizen of the little village of Austin, Ills., who in an interview tells how he regained youthful vigor by a splendid discovery which convinced him life is worth living after all. So happy is he that he is taking the trouble to tell those who are miserable and despondent how to be so no longer.

Many men suffer the awful mental forebodings of nervous weakness in silence, knowing well the dire consequences of habits of youth — indulged in before they understood the certain results — or of recklessness in later years. Or, perhaps, like him, they tried pretentious specialists, who did nothing but take fees. But life’s sunlight burst suddenly upon him, he asserts, when, through happy chance, he found a medicinal combination, the result of years of research for a remedy for such weaknesses by men of science. At once it struck at the roots of physical and mental torture — an undeveloped state causing great embarrassment, nervousness and lack of self-possession and ambition. It cured him. It made him a man.

It is this glorious discovery which he wants to make known to any man, young or old, who feels the fire of youth leaving him and who desires to restore vigor and size to shrunken parts, and stop drains which unfit a man for work and marriage and drag him from life’s success. Upon a request in good faith mailed to A.E. Parrish, Lock Box 710, Austin, Ills., this prescription will be sent free in a plain envelope. Though far from being rich, Mr. P. says he can afford at least a postage stamp to give happiness and life-hope to a fellowman.

Write him in confidence.

The Daily Review (Decatur, Illinois) Jul 18, 1897

Sex-ine Pills for lost vigor – 1894

Also 1894: Vigor of Men – easily, quickly restored!

Thank goodness! Using Cupidene actually restored manhood.  Also at a store near you in 1894.

Vitalis, a  French remedy from 1895 states that it removes “nightly emissions,” as well as other problems. Now, what exactly are nightly emissions?

AJAX made this guy a man in 1896. I don’t think this is the same Ajax we use to scrub sinks and toilets.

Also from 1896, CALTHOS, another French remedy,  cuts right to the chase: Men Be Manly! Maybe this one helps grow facial hair.

In 1897, the Erie Medical Co.,  had a product that would remove EVERY OBSTACLE to a happy married life. Wow! Now, that’s a pretty bold claim.

Fast forward to 1901 and we have Revivo, a product that looks suspiciously like the Vitalis of 1895.  Maybe they just used the same advertising agency, since it appears these products were made by different companies.

Also from 1901, Vim Vigor, which seems reasonably priced.  Fifty cents to cure your loss of manhood sounds like a good deal.

On the offside chance none of these products cure what’s ailin’ you:

You might go see this guy — because just maybe  a little too much vigor, vitality and manhood got you something you didn’t bargain for!