You Deviationist!

The Road to Socialism – We’re All Jolly Fellows

The Sheboygan Press (Sheboygan, Wisconsin) Jun 6, 1958

Understanding UN Is Simple as Your ABC’s

By HAL BOYLE

NEW YORK (AP) — Are you aware? Are you hep to what is going on in the United Nations? Can you astonish your friends with your easy command of diplomatic terms?

Do the people who used to laugh when you sat down at the piano now hold back their hoots until you try to pronounce plenipotentiary?

Well, there is a way to end all that. No longer need you babble with the rabble about simple subjects like baseball, the structure of the atom, or the eternal whether about the weather.

You, too, can talk about the United Nations, the most thrilling story of our times. You too, can be the life of the party as you hold your listeners spellbound with fluent word pictures of the problems and pitfalls that beset a one-world government.

Understanding the United Nations is as simple as A-B-C. Or, rather, it is as simple as learning your ABC’s all over again — and backwards.

To help pierce the fog of phases and phrases that erupt from the UN sessions you merely need a dictionary of the new diplomatic language generated there.

Somewhere lost in every group of words used by the statesmen is a meaning — something someone is trying to say. The words only need to be translated to be understood. So herewith is presented a glossary of the more common phrases employed at the United Nations which should make its debates crystal clear to everybody.

TRUCE — Something which is stranger than friction.

SOVEREIGNTY — A thing every nation except itself ought to give up.

VETO — A device with five handles for getting rid of hot potatoes without loss of dignity.

NEGOTIATIONS — A type of conference known in baseball as “A Rhubarb.”

BLOC — A group of dissident nations whose leader is known to the other side as a “bloc-head.”

PEACE — This is what all the fighting is about.

The foregoing are general terms. There follows a strictly Russian glossary:

WAR MONGER — A nation that won’t tell you how to make an atom bomb.

MONGER — One who mongs. An insane man you can’t sell on the idea he is entirely wrong and you are entirely right.

PETTY BOURGEOIS — One who has three meals a day — and enjoys them.

BOURGEOIS — One who could afford to eat four meals a day if he wanted to.

FASCIST OBSTRUCTIONIST — A guy who wants to vote in private.

TROTSKYITE OBSTRUCTIONIST — Any Russian who left Russia except on a government expense account.

RIGHTIST OBSTRUCTIONIST — A right-handed Trotskyite.

LEFTIST OBSTRUCTIONIST — A search fails to reveal this term exists in the Russian language of today.

COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY — A man who counts revolutions.

FASCIST — A non-Communist.

MONARCHO-FASCIST — A non-Communist with a royal flush.

DEVIATIONIST — A man who couldn’t swallow Communism all at one gulp.

NATIONAL DEVIATIONIST — A Yugoslav hotfoot.

RIGHTIST NATIONALIST DEVIATIONIST — The Politburo still hasn’t figured out anyone mean enough to call this.

IMPERIALIST — Anyone who objects to Russian expansion.

CAPITALIST IMPERIALIST — The same, in spades.

CAPITALIST EXPLOITER — A popcorn stand owner who butters his product — but only puts oil in the machine.

Amarillo Globe (Amarillo, Texas) Nov 19, 1948

Buck County Courier – Oct 4, 1966

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