At Wit’s End

At Wit’s End

by Erma Bombeck

In response to a column on “Never Strike Your Child In Anger,” Tom Byrnes of Lake Bluff, Ill., offers this tongue-in-cheek question as to when do you strike them. He is the father of 12 children and grandfather to 14.

Never strike your child in anger,
Never hit him when irate,
But save it for some happy time,
When both are feeling great.
Save it for some pleasant bedtime,
And as you tuck him in his crib,
Clench your fist and let him have it,
Or better, choke him with his bib.
Or wait until a Sunday morning;
Try to catch him at his prayers,
And as he whispers, “Dod bwess Dada,”
Kick him neatly down the stairs.
Or how about a Happy Birthday,
When friends and laughter fill the house,
Then bash him with a cake you’ve lettered,
“Greetings to a little louse.”
Or how about a family outing,
A Sunday morning at the zoo,
And when it’s time to feed the lions,
Supplement with you-know-who.
Or take him with you on an airplane,
The family plan’s the cheapest way,
And when it reaches cruising level,
Tell him, “Go outside and play.”
Although he breaks a Wedgewood platter,
Spills your bourbon on the floor,
Never strike a child in anger,
It isn’t civilized anymore.
It makes the child feel insecure,
When parents strike or even shove,
But you can do him in completely,
As long as it’s done with love.

Copyright 1976 Field Enterprises, Inc.

Las Vegas Optic (Las Vegas, New Mexico) Aug 26, 1976

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One Response to “At Wit’s End”

  1. Jewel Says:

    This is one of my favorite columns by Erma, I clipped it out and saved it, just recently found it and laughed so hard as I read it. I also loved the column she wrote about playing tennis with her husband. I loved her and I miss her.

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