Archive for the ‘Hump Day Humor’ Category

Shallow Water

December 19, 2012

1840s fashion men women

A HINT TO GIRLS.

An exchange paper says: “We have always considered it an unerring sign of innate vulgarity, when we hear ladies take particular pains to impress us with an idea of their ignorance of all domestic matters, save sewing lace, or weaving a net to enclose their delicate hands. — Ladies by some curious kind of hocus pocus, have got it into their heads that the best way to catch a husband is to show him how profoundly capable they are of doing nothing for his comfort. Frightening a piano into fits, or murdering the King’s French, may be good bait for some kinds of fish, but they must be of that kind usually found in shallow water. The surest way to secure a good husband, is to cultivate those accomplishments which make a good wife.

Wiskonsan Enquirer (Madison, Wisconsin) Oct 20, 1842

1840s couple

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Letter to Santa

December 12, 2012

To Santa Claus - Appleton Post Crescent WI 23 Dec 1921

Appleton Post Crescent (Appleton, Wisconsin) Dec 23, 1921

Letter to Santa.

Dear Santa Claus: My coal bill
Is ninety twenty-four,
If you will take it off my hands,
I shall not ask for more.
I don’t care how you fix it,
Just so you let me out —
O, that would be a Christmas gift
Beyond a doubt.

Dear Santa Claus, my grocer
Wants money very badly,
If you will see him when you come,
I’ll leave it to you gladly.
I don’t care what you give him,
Just so the trade is fair —
O, that would be a Christmas gift
Beyond compare.

Dear Santa Claus, my butcher —
But do I grow prolix?
What say I send them all to you,
With leave for you to fix?
I don’t care how you fix them,
So long as they are paid —
But I expect too much of you,
I am afraid.

— St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

New Castle News (New Castle, Pennsylvania) Dec 21, 1912

Goat Getters

December 5, 2012

Goat-Getters - The Frederick Post MD 24 May 1927

On the Trail of the Straight Silhouette

Goat-Getters 2 - The Frederick Post MD 24 May 1927

On One of Her Detours!

The Frederick Post (Frederick, Maryland) May 24, 1927

Editorial Dragnet

November 28, 2012

Trampling on the Nation’s Laws

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Nov 18, 1919

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 6, 1919

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Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Nov 19, 1919

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Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 6, 1919

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Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Nov 19, 1919

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Cost of Living is Breaking Our Necks!

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 11, 1919

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Newark Advocate (Newark, Ohio) Dec 20, 1919

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Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Nov 19, 1919

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Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 5, 1919

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Economic Conditions

High Cost of Living

Wage Demands – Strikes

Industrial Unrest

Waves of Social Discontent

Newark Daily Advocate (Newark, Ohio) Sep 22, 1919

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Newark Daily Advocate (Newark, Ohio) Sep 22, 1919

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Newark Daily Advocate (Newark, Ohio) Sep 22, 1919

What was Funny in 1919?

November 28, 2012

Not the Bold Face Type, However

“I see that printer who divorced his wife has married again.”

“Well, I hope he selected a different type.”

— Florida Times-Union.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Nov 18, 1919

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The Other Kind Welcome

Rejected One — So you object to my presence at your wedding.

The Girl — That depends on how you spell it.

— Boston Transcript.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Nov 18, 1919

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The Eternal Feminine

“Why do they speak of Mother Earth? Why should earth be considered feminine?”

“Because she’s so successful in concealing her age, I take it.”

— Louisville Courier Journal.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 4, 1919

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Why, Of Course Not!

“Sir,” she trickled, in a voice that would make an icicle seem like a superheated mustard plaster, “I have never met you.”

“Well, I know it,” the fresh guy with the withered moustached bubbled blithely. IF you had, do you suppose I’d be going to all this trouble to get acquainted?”

–Brooklyn Citizen.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 6, 1919

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Family Secret

“I bet I know what makes sister wear her hair bunched down over her ears,” said the small boy.

“Do you?” replied the affable young man.

“Yes. But I ain’t goin’ to tell. Only if my ears were as big as sister’s I’d do something like that myself.”

— Washington Star.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 6, 1919

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A Polite Burglar

Miss Fortyodd woke in the middle of the night to find burglar ransacking her effects. Miss Fortyodd did not scream, for she prided herself, among other things, upon her courage.

Pointing to the door with a dramatic gesture, she exclaimed:

“Leave me at once!”

The burglar politely retreated a step and said:

“I had no intention of taking you.”

— Detroit Free Press.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 9, 1919

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Wanted to Know

“Just one more question, uncle.”

“Well, well, what is it?”

“If a boy is a lad and has a step-father, is the lad a stepladder?”

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 10, 1919

Sometimes I Wonder…

October 10, 2012

Foreign Aid for our Foreign “Friends”?

The Valley Independent (Monessen, Pennsylvania) Dec 23, 1965

Tired to Death

October 3, 2012

Eau Claire Leader (Eau Claire, Wisconsin) Oct 24, 1897

TIRED TO DEATH.

My lady is tired to death!
She has studied the print of the gay velvet rug,
And given her dear, darling poodle a hug,
And from her bay window has noticed the fall
Of a ripe nectarine from the low sunny wall;
She’s embroidered an inch on some delicate lace,
And viewed in the mirror her elegant face,
Has looked at an album, a rich bijouterie,
Then restlessly owned herself dead with ennui.

Eau Claire Leader (Eau Claire, Wisconsin) Dec 19, 1897

And my lady it tired to death!
Exhausted! It’s strange that as day after day
Of her frivolous life passes away,
So aimless and “stylish,” so empty and fine,
So free from those duties sometimes called divine —
That she wearies of something, she hardly knows what;
Thinks of not what she is, but of all she is not!
Oh no! all emotions are vulgar, you know,
And my lady’s have always been quite comme il faut.

Eau Claire Leader (Eau Claire, Wisconsin) Jul 2, 1898

Still, my lady is tired to death!
Oh woman, false woman, false mother, false wife,
What account can you give of your poor wasted life,
Of that life that has passed like a feverish dream,
The life that has not been to be but to seem!
What account will you give in the awful, last day,
When the pomp and the show of the world pass away,
When the Master demands of the talents He’s given,
A stewardship rendered on Earth and in Heaven?

Eau Claire Leader (Eau Claire, Wisconsin) Aug 27, 1898

Tired to death!
Cast off for a moment your diamonds and lace,
And shine in the light of true womanly grace;
Look around you and see with eyes raised to the light,
Strong men and true women who live for the right;
Brave hearts that ne’er falter, though distant the goal,
Great lives whose fierce struggles will never be told,
Whose wild, straying hearts stern duties control,
Whose only true life is the life of the soul.

Written for the PRAIRIE FARMER.

The Prairie Farmer (Chicago, Illinois) Jul 14, 1859

Eau Claire Leader (Eau Claire, Wisconsin) Jul 15, 1898

Smoke Out the Cholera

October 3, 2012

Smokers have now a good excuse for using the weed. Doctor Wenck, professor of the Imperial Institute of Berlin, has made the discovery that smokers are relatively immune to certain epidemic diseases, especially cholera. He claims that tobacco smoke rapidly kills the cholera germs.

Can’t somebody help the whiskey guzzler out in similar manner?

Chicago Livestock World (Chicago, Illinois) Feb 26, 1913

Stupid Cop Tricks

September 26, 2012

Image from Homicide in Chicago 1870-1930 (not the officer in the story)

SHOOTS SELF INSTEAD OF DOG.

CHICAGO, Nov 20. — Policeman Mike Quigley, attempting to accommodate a customer who desired a slippery dog killed, shot himself in the leg. The dog tried to run thru Mike’s legs as the cop fired.

The Lincoln State Journal (Lincoln, Nebraska) Nov 20, 1922

Technology Brings the Laughs

September 19, 2012

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What a Marvelous Age, My Dear!

Coshocton Tribune (Coshocton, Ohio) Sep 8, 1929

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My Gracious! Some People Think They Own All Creation!

Coshocton Tribune (Coshocton, Ohio) Sep 11, 1929

Great Scott! What Was That?

Coshocton Tribune (Coshocton, Ohio) Sep 23, 1929