Posts Tagged ‘Puns’

Foul Play

May 16, 2012

Image from Ameraucana

Hens and chickens should never be allowed to amuse themselves, as it always results in foul (fowl) play.

Richland County Observer (Richland Center, Wisconsin) Apr 8, 1856

The Married State

April 25, 2012

Image from The Cabinet Card Gallery

The Married State

[Troy Press.]

He tried to kiss Miss Ouri,
But she wouldn’t let him do it,
And she hinted very broadly,
If he tried again he’d rue it.

Then he went for Mrs. Sippi,
A sweetly blushing widah,
But she said, “Utah-dy fellah,
Your suit I can’t considah,

“For I’m just engaged to Georgia,
And never can Nevada
Man so dreadfully persistent,
He’s an awful woman-raidah!

“Idaho’d a field of cotton
Rather n leave this healthy section,
And I never liked a fellah
With a Florida complexion.

“I wouldn’t ‘a gone off with him,
Oregon with any other,
But Iowa lot of money
To a cruel hearted brother.

“I wish you’d asked me soonah,
As it is, I must decline, ah,
So just call on Louisa Anna,
Or visit Carolina.”

But he went to Minnie Sota,
Dressed in a suit of Kersey,
And he told her if she’d have him
He would buy her a New Jersey

And now they’re wed and happy,
And they live in Indiana,
And they’re seriously thinking
Of naming her Montana.

The Atchison Globe (Atchison, Kansas) Apr 23, 1885

Sweet ‘n’ Sour

January 11, 2012

Image from Flickriver – Daguerreotype

Some rascally wag poetizes as follows, on the marriage of Miss Jane Lemon to Ebenezer Sweet:

How happily extremes do meet
In Jane and Ebenezer;
She’s no longer sour, but Sweet,
And he’s a Lemon-squeezer.

The Berkshire County Eagle (Pittsfield, Massachusetts) Jun 18, 1858

Echoes

January 8, 2012

ECHOES.

What must be done to conduct a newspaper right?       Write.

What is necessary to a farmer to assist him?       System.

What could give a blind man the greatest delight?       Light.

What is the best counsel given by a justice of the peace?       Peace.

Who committed the greatest abominations?       Nations.

What is the greatest terrifier?       Fire.

Appleton Motor (Appleton, Wisconsin) May 17, 1860

A President Taylor – A Tailor President

April 14, 2010

Bottom of cartoon says, “The Tennessee Mule on a Rampage. I Veto Nine Tailors to Make a Man.”

Surface Diggings & Siftings.

WE HAVE HAD A PRESIDENT TAYLOR, and now we have a tailor president. Little did the present incumbent think when following the peaceful profession of his youth, that his goose would one day hang so high, and that he, who once aided in dressing up his Southern patrons, would one day be called to assist in dressing down the same individuals, and in giving particular fits to so many rebellious customers.

The war has come to its close (clothes.) The “repossession” of the Southern forts has left enough dead men in the breaches — let all breaches now be mended.

Our President’s previous life has been but sew, sew; but if he pants for fame, he is vested with sufficient authority to clothe the naked and bleeding South with the garment of mercy, so that our peace may not prove to be a patched-up one, but a blessing to all parties.

Although not of a character so benign as his predecessor, may he conduct his administration with such vigor as to make it appear that there be nine men in the Presidential chair, instead of only the ninth part of one!

The Golden Era (San Francisco, California) Jan 21, 1866

Puns on the Poets

April 7, 2010

Puns on the Poets.

Very fast indeed — Swift.

Worn on the head — Hood.

A lady’s garment — Spencer.

A slang exclamation — Dickens.

An interesting pain — Akenside.

Belongs to a monastery — Abbott.

Pilgrims kneel to kiss him — Pope.

A young domestic animal — Lamb.

The value of a word — Wordsmith.

To agitate a weapon — Shakespeare.

A sick place of worship — Church-ill.

Vital part of the human body — Harte.

Make amends for others — Makepeace.

A bearer built by an edible — Cornwall.

A worker in precious metals — Goldsmith.

What an oyster is apt to be — Shelly.

Small talk and large weight — Chatterton.

An American manufacturing town — Lowell.

Humpbacked, but not deformed — Campbell.

I can’t describe its pains and stings — Burns.

Roast beef, what are you doing? — Browning.

A disagreeable fellow at one’s foot — Bunyun.

A French preposition and an enemy — DeFoe.

An officer in an English university — Proctor.

Brighter and smarter than any one — Sparks.

One who is more than a sandy shore — Beecher.

What are you apt to do when sleepy — Press-cot.

A lion’s home is a place without water — Dryden.

Depicts the dwellings of civilized men — Holmes.

A chain of hills containing a dark measure — Cole-ridge.

A fraction in currency and the height of fashion — Milton.

Which is the greatest poet, Shakespeare or Tupper? — Will-is.

Not one of the points of the compass, but inclines to it — South-ey.

A ten footer, whose name begins with fifty — L-ongfellow.

A common domestic animal, and what it cannot do — Cow-per.

A well known game, and a male of the human species — Tenny-son.

What a rough man said to his son when teaching him to eat properly — Chaucer.

All is youthful, you see, but ‘twixt you and me, he was never much of a chicken — Young.

Each human hair in turn ’tis said,
Will turn to him tho’ he be dead — Grey.

Mamma is in good health, my child,
And thus she named the poet mild — Mother-well.

New York Express.

Kentucky New Era – Dec 11, 1874

Some Georgia Puns

July 29, 2009

Some Georgia Puns.
The “Rustler.” of The Cedartown Standard, is a good one. Hear him:

“A carpenter who’d long been blind —
Now on your fancy draw —
While passing through his shop one day,
Reached for a plane and saw.

“A ranchman who had been for years
So deaf that song of bird
Pierced not his ears, went out one day
With his sheep dog and herd.

“A wagon-maker who was dumb
One day the silence broke;
“Twas not a miracle — he stooped,
Picked up a hub and spoke.

“And an enormous elephant —
Largest I ever knew —
Although so heavy, thrust his trunk
Into a grate and flue.”

The Atlanta Constitution (Atlanta, Georgia) Oct 17, 1893