Shallow Water

A HINT TO GIRLS.

An exchange paper says: “We have always considered it an unerring sign of innate vulgarity, when we hear ladies take particular pains to impress us with an idea of their ignorance of all domestic matters, save sewing lace, or weaving a net to enclose their delicate hands. — Ladies by some curious kind of hocus pocus, have got it into their heads that the best way to catch a husband is to show him how profoundly capable they are of doing nothing for his comfort. Frightening a piano into fits, or murdering the King’s French, may be good bait for some kinds of fish, but they must be of that kind usually found in shallow water. The surest way to secure a good husband, is to cultivate those accomplishments which make a good wife.

Wiskonsan Enquirer (Madison, Wisconsin) Oct 20, 1842

What was Funny in 1919?

Not the Bold Face Type, However

“I see that printer who divorced his wife has married again.”

“Well, I hope he selected a different type.”

— Florida Times-Union.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Nov 18, 1919

*     *     *

The Other Kind Welcome

Rejected One — So you object to my presence at your wedding.

The Girl — That depends on how you spell it.

— Boston Transcript.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Nov 18, 1919

*     *     *

The Eternal Feminine

“Why do they speak of Mother Earth? Why should earth be considered feminine?”

“Because she’s so successful in concealing her age, I take it.”

— Louisville Courier Journal.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 4, 1919

*     *     *

Why, Of Course Not!

“Sir,” she trickled, in a voice that would make an icicle seem like a superheated mustard plaster, “I have never met you.”

“Well, I know it,” the fresh guy with the withered moustached bubbled blithely. IF you had, do you suppose I’d be going to all this trouble to get acquainted?”

–Brooklyn Citizen.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 6, 1919

*     *     *

Family Secret

“I bet I know what makes sister wear her hair bunched down over her ears,” said the small boy.

“Do you?” replied the affable young man.

“Yes. But I ain’t goin’ to tell. Only if my ears were as big as sister’s I’d do something like that myself.”

— Washington Star.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 6, 1919

*     *     *

A Polite Burglar

Miss Fortyodd woke in the middle of the night to find burglar ransacking her effects. Miss Fortyodd did not scream, for she prided herself, among other things, upon her courage.

Pointing to the door with a dramatic gesture, she exclaimed:

“Leave me at once!”

The burglar politely retreated a step and said:

“I had no intention of taking you.”

— Detroit Free Press.

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 9, 1919

*     *     *

Wanted to Know

“Just one more question, uncle.”

“Well, well, what is it?”

“If a boy is a lad and has a step-father, is the lad a stepladder?”

Olean Evening Times (Olean, New York) Sep 10, 1919

Boys to Men

Image from NCSU Libraries

TO CRITICS

When I was seventeen I heard
From each censorious tongue,
“I’d not do that if I were you;
You see you’re rather young.”

Now that I number forty years,
I’m quite as often told
Of this or that I shouldn’t do
Because I’m quite too old.

O carping world! If there’s an age
Where youth and manhood keep
An equal poise, alas! I must
Have passed it in my sleep.

— Walter Learned.

The Oshkosh Northwestern (Oshkosh, Wisconsin) Sep 25, 1935